Thursday, December 1, 2011

Welcome to December

Well let's see its Christmas Time!!! And its another year without my dad and it kills me inside but I keep going. My dad wouldn't have wanted it any other way. The problem with me keep that I'm still where I have started. I'm in Va working and not really living the life that was intended for me or is this the life that is intended for me? Either way, I don't know what to do.

I have some thoughts going through my head but I don't have a clue on what to do. I know there are things that I would like to do with my life but haven't started anything. Only ideas pop into my head and then they go away because people in my life I know damage the dreams or I do it myself. Its simple thing to do. I've done it plenty of times.

Well what can I say? I don't have a poem for you or anything...I swear being an adult kind of sucks because I'm always working! lol! anyway, hope you have a good December.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Its November!!

Yep another thing to work on...oh let's see I've been working! that's all...48 hours a week and then church all day work all the time. No time to write or to hang least a lot. I don't like being an adult...its hard.

LOL! yeah I said it! Anyway, as I figure out what I should do about this lovely thing called writing I've been doing...and look over the possiblities to publish anything...we'll see. Have a good night!

Saturday, October 1, 2011

Random update.

Well again been busy and shockingly...haven't been able to write...well, I'm in Florida right now so I'm a bit happy, but sadly that happiness will end once I get back to Virginia. Anyway, I gotta figure out what I'm actually doing and might check out this publishing site. Hopefully something will work out, who knows.

Anyway, I must go and figure out what to actually do at this time. =)
Keep Smiling and I'll hopefully be back soon.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

busy? really that's nothing new!

ok so the title says it all, and its sadly true.

been too busy to write or think but i have been talking to one of my friends and debating on actually publishing my work...the question is when and who would do it! that's just crazy too...i'm always busy and wish i can do this for real.

well, i guess that's all the update i have for now...other than working on Scrooge at church and always at work is just me being busy...oh what fun.

Saturday, August 13, 2011

Another Sunday

Tomorrow is only another Sunday 
And it will begin 
The week of searching 
Which never ends well
Another week of not 
Seeing you seated
In your spot
Another week of 
Not being a friend
Just a distant memory
Which is what it's 
Turning out to be 
So only dreams will remain 
Or random texting of 
How we should meet
And it's the only thing 
That keeps somewhat 
Of a relationship
Who knows where things lead
Maybe it wasn't meant to be
Anything more than 
Just a friendship
But still on Sunday
I seek for you 
And you won't be there 
Because you have a life 
Of your own 
And the only contact 
We'll have is through texting
And that doesn't help 
A relationship at all
So let the dreams
And random texting begin again
What's another week 
Without seeing you
A broken friend 
Who will just encourage you
And I'll keep my distance 
That's all that I'll do
Keep bugging you with quotes 
And stay in the back 
Of the gym seeking 
For a friendship that won't happen
Because I push too hard for it 
And then I'll push it away
Because that's what I do...
Let Sunday come 
Another week will start
With work being in the way
And another nights alone for me
As my world crumbles 
For something that's 
Not going to happen

Monday, August 1, 2011

Always Alone?

I am always by myself so I am a loner...but I'm never alone, though I feel extremely alone. I don't have to go out, but it's nice every now and then I would like to go out with my friends that I don't see often. When I was going out, hanging with a friend of mine, but I felt like e was being hidden from out mutual friends... So what did I do??? I stopped hanging out with him alone. We acted like a couple when we weren't and that ended the going out, hanging out, or whatever...

You're probably thinking, "What? Shannon Marie isn't going out?! She's a theatre person, they go out all the time, what's wrong?"
That might be stereotyping, but even when was working in the theatre, I didn't go out... I just started going out after shows during 'Love Kills'. I have never been a party matter what I do...I'll be a loner. People will say that I can change... You're right I COULD change, but it will be me. I am who I am. I am truthfully shy, a hard worker, will listen to your problems and try to put a smile on your face while encouraging you and letting you know everything will be ok and that you're loved. 

What can I say? That's who I am... Painfully shy until I let someone in and become a big goofball to make people laugh. 

Saturday, July 16, 2011

Who’s Your Real Prayer Partner?

Go away
You were never
A part of me
You made me
The way I am
What’s that?
You may ask
Let’s see
I’m scared
To love someone
I’m scared
To trust someone
Because of you
I can’t let the one guy
Who is willing
To deal with me
To put up
With all my drama
In my life
Because of you
I can’t trust
The one person
Who can make me
Feel like I’m
Meant to be with him
Because of you
I fear that
When I’m over
The trusting and marry
That he’ll leave me
For his “prayer partner”
But I have to
Remember that
Just do me a favor
Stay away from me
Just because
You’re half my DNA
Doesn’t mean that
You’re a part of me
Have fun with
Your next sucker
Who is your
“Prayer partner”

This doesn't mean that pryaer partners are bad, they are long as you don't cheat on your wife or husband with them.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011


ok some of these will not have titles...and they might never have titles...just giving the heads up...
Oh and in this might not like me for because...I put the f-bomb in i'll secer it...but you know its there..

Why do you have to lie?
If you don’t
Want to talk
Just say so…
But don’t lie
To me
I’m sorry
That I worry about you
I’m sorry
That I am too f-ing loyal
I can’t help that
I care about you
If you don’t want me
To care about you
Then tell me
I’ll do my best
To stop caring
But I can’t make
A promise that
I know in my heart
That I can’t keep

Monday, July 11, 2011

Is It Right? (working title)

Though it seems weird
And we can’t
Get things right
Love is one of
Those things that
We can’t control
It hits us in the face
And sometimes we
Don’t see it
Love is a feeling
That we want to block
That we want to protect
Because the hurt
Is so painful
That we shield
What we are really
Feeling inside

Sunday, June 26, 2011

Hold On Tight

Hold on tight
Don't let go
Of what I've given
To you
Hold on tight
To me
And know I
Won't be going
I'm with you
Just hold on tight
Don't let go
I know that you're hurting
And I know that
You're scared
But don't worry about a thing
I'm here
And hold on tight
To me
I won't let go
I never had
And I never will
I've got you
Just hold on tight
To me

Friday, June 24, 2011

ok...random thoughts...

So I'm busy tryingto keep up with my friends and whatnot...then I stopped talking to this one friend because we weren't acting like friends. We were acting more than friends and truthfully I did like it but it wasn't healthy for me. Anyway, so he agreed to keep it as friends...(awkward story along with that)...I started thinking about another friend of mine and how I missed seeing him around so I texted him and told him to have a good day even though about 6 months ago he told me to F-off. So I"m confused about that whole thing....

So now he's being nice and doing what he did before...I don't have time for games people! I want something real! I want something that God wants me to have... It sounds odd..though I've had my ups and downs with God lately...Its just been rough...and I haven't been the best daughter of Christ...I don't think I'll ever be...but I have faith that God will take care of me. I know that when I run away He never leaves...He waits for me to turn around and run into His arms...and He knows I'm still working on it.

I just hope that I do a person for people to see...

Yeah my brain is on overload right now...I need my sleep....

Saturday, June 18, 2011


I've seen you before
And you don't even know me
Though I've had this conversation before
And we haven't even met yet
How does this happen?
I don't understand

Its de'javu  all over again
It's driving me up the wall
Cause we've never met before
And you're standing there
Looking so familiar to me
Its the de'javu that's making me crazy about you

This is so crazy 
Seeing you
Figuring out how we met
But you don't seem to realize 
That I have 

The de'javu all over again
It's driving me up the wall
Cause we've never met before
And you're standing there
Looking so familiar to me
Its the de'javu that's making me crazy about you

If I only knew how this started
But somehow I have mixed feelings about this 
I hate having this de'javu
And then at the same time 
I'm glad that I've met you

Because this de'javu
It's driving me up the wall
Cause we've never met before
And you're standing there
Looking so familiar to me
Its the de'javu that's making me crazy about you

Wednesday, June 15, 2011


Why is it 
So hard to see me
You see right through me 
You can't see
The tears that
Form in my eyes
The arms around me
To shield the hurt
That's been given
The hand that pushed
The tears from my face
The sway of me 
Shifting from one foot to another
Why is it 
So hard to see me
In pain
As I stand right in front of you

Saturday, June 11, 2011

Where I'd I go?

Where did I go? 
I was right there 
Beside you
But I took a wrong turn 
How did I get where I am? 
I know you're there
But I didn't see you
I went my own way
I love you and hated you
At the same time
Because things 
Just wasn't right
Here on earth in my "world"
When it should have been 
Just love in your world
I haven't been myself
I've been scared
And lost 
And I'm trying 
To get back to you
But I fear that 
I'll lose my way
I miss the way things were
I miss how I felt 
When in high school 
It was easier
Because I had faith 
Like a child 
I don't know 
Where it went
I need to get back to you
That's what I need to do
Getting back to you
Will be hard
And I need to do it right

Thursday, June 9, 2011

3 posts in one day?

Poem time! And it's 11:56

Wash away
Everything I've done
Forgive me 
As you know 
I will disobey you
I was one of your 
Good daughters
I have flaws 
You know that
But I should 
Know better than 
What I'm doing
It's scary
How much I've changed
I am horrible 
Though you love me 
Jut the same 
I keep coming back 
For your forgiveness 
And you give it willingly
And you wash away
Everything that I've done
You love me though 
I feel like 
I'm slipping away

Psalm 27

Psalm 27

Of David.

1 The LORD is my light and my salvation—
whom shall I fear?
The LORD is the stronghold of my life—
of whom shall I be afraid?

2 When the wicked advance against me
to devour[a] me,
it is my enemies and my foes
who will stumble and fall.
3 Though an army besiege me,
my heart will not fear;
though war break out against me,
even then I will be confident.

4 One thing I ask from the LORD,
this only do I seek:
that I may dwell in the house of the LORD
all the days of my life,
to gaze on the beauty of the LORD
and to seek him in his temple.
5 For in the day of trouble
he will keep me safe in his dwelling;
he will hide me in the shelter of his sacred tent
and set me high upon a rock.

6 Then my head will be exalted
above the enemies who surround me;
at his sacred tent I will sacrifice with shouts of joy;
I will sing and make music to the LORD.

7 Hear my voice when I call, LORD;
be merciful to me and answer me.
8 My heart says of you, “Seek his face!”
Your face, LORD, I will seek.
9 Do not hide your face from me,
do not turn your servant away in anger;
you have been my helper.
Do not reject me or forsake me,
God my Savior.
10 Though my father and mother forsake me,
the LORD will receive me.
11 Teach me your way, LORD;
lead me in a straight path
because of my oppressors.
12 Do not turn me over to the desire of my foes,
for false witnesses rise up against me,
spouting malicious accusations.

13 I remain confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the LORD
in the land of the living.
14 Wait for the LORD;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the LORD.

Washed Away

Wash away
Everything I've done
Forgive me 
As you know 
I will disobey you
I was one of your 
Good daughters
I have flaws 
You know that
But I should 
Know better than 
What I'm doing
It's scary
How much I've changed
I am horrible 
Though you love me 
Jut the same 
I keep coming back 
For your forgiveness 
And you give it willingly
And you wash away
Everything that I've done
You love me though 
I feel like 
I'm slipping away

Tuesday, June 7, 2011


Time is speeding by
And I'm starting
To forget how you laugh
I'm forgetting how you call my name
When you need me
I'm forgetting how your hand
Feels when I grab it
I'll be a year
And you're still gone
Because you're gone
I worry more about mom
Though I'm with her all the time
I still worry
Apparently I will always worry
Because I have no idea
What will happen when
I lose mom like I lost you
I used to not worry and live
Like Christ wants me to...
But sadly I still worry
I have to give it up
The worry
And fear...
That's what's holding me back
Holding me back from everything...
I miss you, dad...
I know you're watching over mom and me
But its not the same
Without you here on earth...

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Working title-- Faith

I am weak
And I feel so lost
Sometimes I feel like
I can't go on another day
But then in the smallest voice I hear

I am here
By your side
Just listen to my voice 
And know I'm here
Just look for me
I will never leave you
Because I'm right by your side
You have the faith 
You have me in your heart
Just look for me 
I'm right here by your side 

My eyes open wide
To see your face 
But as I realize 
Faith is sure of what 
I hope for and certain of what I do not see
But I see you Lord
Everyday watching over me
Even through my darkest hours
And I glad I'm reminded 

That you're by my side
I just need to listen to your voice 
And know you're here
Just look for you
You'll  will never leave me
Because you're right by my side
I have the faith 
I have you in your heart
I just need look for you
You're right here by my side

I will never be weak again
Because I got you on my side 
All I need is to keep my faith
And remember the easiest thing that is easily forgotten on crazy days
That you're by my side 
And will never leave me
The only thing you ask me to do is to look for you everyday 

It's a song...the music is in my head but it could be a poem

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

I work too much

Ok so since I've gotten this job, I haven't written anything good. (Except my prayer) i've been busy and I'm not complaining...well I am a little because I can't think in a creative mode...because I work too much...anyway, hopefully I'll have something soon... hopefully...

Saturday, May 21, 2011


So what I hear is that the world is ending soon...

Yes its probably true but do we really know when? I believe that when God is ready to take us home that He will. Jesus will come down and take us.

I know I haven't been the best daughter of Christ in...a long time, but I try to be good and try to live by what my Father in Heaven wants me to do. I have been lost and pushed God out of my life because of the things that's been happening in it. I'm not proud of it. I'm scared that I pushed Him too far gone out of my life, but I really haven't. I go to church every Sunday, but that's just being a Sunday Christain. Now if I was a better Christain I would be able to tell you what I learn in the Bible faster than I can now. I used to be really good at remembering what Bible verses...but now, life is...complicated. I don't like it.

I feel like I was lost before my dad died and now I have a gut feeling that...I'll be lost forever. My head is doubting and my gut is telling me something. I know what I need to do, is just doing it is the problem. I'm scared of the pain to die. I'm scared that I'll be alone when the time comes. But these fears need to go away like now...but I am only human. So I'm going to write this prayer...

You are amazing. You gave me life and kept me safe. I've taken them for granted for so long that I got lost in the world and haven't gone to You when I needed You the most. I'm sorry for disapointing You and I'm sorry for not trusting you like I should. I pray that people will see You through me and that I can make you proud of me. I would like to be with You when You're ready to have me with You. I know I say this but the people down here are predicting when Jesus is coming and when the world is going to end, but I have to listen to You and wait for You to come get me. Because You already know this but its Your time that I'm waiting for, not mine. Thank you Lord for blessing me and loving me. I give You my heart and soul a long time ago, but I really need to give it to You again. I love You Lord and I thank you.
Love Your Daughter,

Saturday, May 14, 2011

So...yeah... Monday sucked....

On Monday of this week, there was an accident on Walnut Grove...don't worry no one was hurt and it wasn't my fault. its too long of a story and to complicated right now, just wanted to write something saying, "I'm still around just busy...and nothing creative going on.." =(

This week has been insane anyway since Monday. I better go to work. So Have a good day...

Wednesday, May 4, 2011


How can it be May?! It was just Easter yesterday!! Ok, maybe I'm over-reacting a bit...maybe this "spring forward" isn't helping much. Let's see what's going on in my world...other than realizing I was being jealous for no perticular reason...oh wait nope they're is a reason...just cna't talk about it at the moment.

Oh well...I must go so I can try and sleep or better yet, watch some SVU.
Have a good day/night! Keep Smiling! {I'll try to write something creative later.}

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

HI!!!! Where's the time gone?

Long time no write!

What's been happenin? Lol! So let's see...I've been working and hanging out with the boy. Which is fun... So let's see if I can come up with something because I haven't been writing at all cause of the boy and work! Which I'm liking both!

Oh boy you've got me
Where you want me
Around your little finger
You could probably get me
To do whatever you want
You got me
That's it
How did I even
Let you get that close
I never let anyone
Get so close to me
Like I have with you
You just have me
I didn't even think
About it
Oh boy oh boy....
I like how you have me
But I wish I knew
How I let you in

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Guess what?!?!?!

I got a day job!! YAY!!! Well, at least until they don't want me. I'm not sure if I'm good enough for the job but I got one for now! I better run to the theatre. Later! Have a great week! And I hope to write something awesome soon. =)

Keep Smiling!!

Monday, April 11, 2011

Finding yourself?

not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves. ~henry david thoreau

WOW! This is so true! Have you ever thought about it? Losing yourself to find out who you really are?

Don't come find me
Let me do it myself
I know I can...
I might need your help
But I can't take it
This is what I need to do
You can't be apart of it
I have to find myself
I will find myself
When the time is right
I won't know
Until I'm lost
Lost enough to find myself
I'm sorry
That I have to push you away
But I have to do this for myself
I have to get lost
To be found again...

Sunday, April 10, 2011

So basically...

I've been a little ticked off today...and I don't know if I can actually write about it.

Anyway, I wonder what I can write today...I haven't been writing anything creative. This is sad...I gotta think of something to write. Its a little bit after 10pm yet and my brain is stuck...I might be better under pressure or something. I gotta try something...

I'm standing there
With no one to turn to
Not even you
Though it seems like
You're there.
When really its only me
You are nowhere in sight.

Wow... that's all I got...this is sad.

Friday, April 8, 2011


Apparently I'm doing this everyother day thing going on here...I'm a nut but that's nothing new. So what can I write about today?

I have no clue...the boy has been in my head for the past couple of weeks and its kicking my butt...but at the same time I'm loving it. and I'm actually a little bit happier now... =) just sayin...

Wednesday, April 6, 2011


So what's been going on in this life of mine...I've had an amazing lunch with a couple of friends today! Then my plan was going to aplly for a couple of jobs and I was going home...instead...we talked for a long time and I went home because mom and I were going somewhere...but we didn't she was tired and I started to fall asleep in the chair. So enough about that... I am going to write something...

So long I have
Waited for you
For you to come
And rescue me
From my demons
And from my fears
You've taken me
Places that I
Would have never
Have thought of going
You have me...
You swiftly came in
And took over me
In a good way
I'm still me
When I'm around you
Its nice...
I like it
I'm a happier
When it comes to you
I've got you
In my head
And I don't want
You to go anywhere
Its nice to have you there
You're someone I trust
Man, B....
You've got me
Where you want me
And you can take me
Where ever you want...

Monday, April 4, 2011

8 minutes? maybe

Yeah, I'm slackin on the job news on anything in my life other than a boy...

We're talking hanging out which is good but on the other hand...its too complicated right now to talk about it...

So lets see 8 minutes?

I stand there
Looking at you
You haven't noticed
Me yet
Which probably is
A good thing
Because I try to
Move my attention
Somewhere else...
It goes right back to you
How is that
Even possible?
Do I like you?
Should I dare to say
The other "L" word?
I mean...
I'm staring at you...
But you're not even
Looking at me...
I need to do something
I shouldn't be staring at you
I should be...
I should be...
I should be...
Something to you
But I'm not...

Friday, April 1, 2011

Take me as I am!

"Slow to trust but quick to Love...I push to hard and I give too much...I'm not sayin I'm perfect but I promise I'm worth it..." ~Sugarland "Take Me As I Am"

I love that part of the song...It has so much of me in that perticular part of the song. Sometimes I don't know what to do.

Here's the song from youtube:

Come and take me
If you want me
You gotta step up to the plate
And try to do something.
I want you to chase me
Make me feel like
I'm worth fighting for
I may not be here
Waiting for you
Much longer
Someone else might take your place
And love me like you do
But he'll show me
If you want to make a homerun
Then you gotta get to the plate first
Because the batter is up
And ready to go...
I'm not perfect
But I might be
Perfect for you
And only you...
If you just fight for me...
Play the game...
I hope I'm worth it...

So you can win I know baseball season is starting up!! Its one of my favorite sports! =) Have a good day...or night...

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Glee Me Against The Music Music video

I love my music!

All kinds! Bring it on! I wish I could dance ankle hurts too much to dance sometimes to dance... :(

Tuesday, March 29, 2011


I got nothing...sorry, I'm usually pretty good at least updating something...but these past couple of days...I'm in a slump. Well actually a writer's block. I'm writing three different things cause my head won't stop spining with ideas...but not it has finally stopped. My brain has come to a hualt until something amazing happens... Which I don't know what.

I know I'm talking to a guy...and its very confusing...but other than that...I'm just a confused girl with too many things to write about...well at least the three things that I'm writing...anyway, I should go and try and write or sleep...

I don't sleep well...that's not good...

Friday, March 25, 2011

Another 20 minutes or less....

Let's see what I can create in 20 minutes or less again...

What's going on
With the love that
I have
Is it too much for you
Or is it too less
No matter how hard
I try...
I can't seem to
Love enough
I can't seem to
Do anything enough
Its like I've been
Wasting away my love
Or just giving too much away
I guess
I'll never understand
How I work
How I can love too much
Or love too little...
When I hide the love
I got nothing to lose
When I give it away...
I have everything to lose

Wow that took 5 on my soap box real quick. Please vote for my friend's video. I know you are reading this and I hope that you will vote. He is amazing and if you at least trust me on this won't regret it. The site is on one of the posts below. Thank you! Have a great weekend.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Who wins?

Too many things
Going through my head
I wish I could be more
Than what I turned out to be
But that includes doing something
The bad part is that
Doing something
Is to get rid of fear...
I have too much fear
And very little trust
No matter how far I go
I'll lose my way in fear
Too much has gone by
Because of my fear...
My fear has controled
My life a little too long
I need to change...
I have to change...
But...but fear...
Always wins...

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Nagged Short Film

My friend Ty is amazingly talented! He inspires me to be better at what I do!
So if you don't mind helping him out and voting for his video at this site~~
That would be great! Thank you!!

Anyway, I gotta give you guys something to read soon and I'm not sure what to write about. Its been a little crazy at the time being...anyway, have a good day!!

Monday, March 21, 2011

Going in circles
Not knowing where
It would end
Having to keep
My head down
And not look around
Just stay in the circle
No one will really know
Where I should be going
Other than in circles
Nothing more
Nothing less
Circles are the only way
I know how to go
These days...

Sunday, March 20, 2011

GLEE - Regionals "Get It Right" Full Performance

Just an update

Well this song says a lot...because I have been wanting just to hangout with a couple of people and appreantly this perticular person has been more involved in my life than usual...
I don't mind at all- I'm actually enjoying their company..and they have been getting a lot out of me more so than anyone else in my life...its been insane!

Anyway...let's see if I can write a creative poem or something for you.


This Irish heart of mine
Has been lost in love
This Irish heart
Is full of love
But it has been
Broken so many times
That this Irish heart
Can't trust as easily
As people think
It takes awhile
For this Irish heart of mine
To trust
But this Irish heart
Can love so hard
Don't get it confused
With trust
Though trust is
Apart of love
So you may ask
How can you Love
Without Trust
Love is what comes from above
That this Irish heart
Is happy to say
That's where Love comes from
And trust also comes
From above
But we learn to trust
After we learn to love
So let this Irish heart
Try to get something right
With Love and Trust

Friday, March 18, 2011

2 days! WHAT?!

Ok so two days no big deal...

Again, it is but it isn't. You guys didn't miss me too creative jucies are gone at the moment...I'm talking to a friend of mine and I should be sleeping.

But that's all I have for now...I got busy with the show. But that's not a good excuse. Anyway, I'm off to try and sleep...but who knows what will happen.

Have a good weekend!

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

So another day of writing...

My mind is off somewhere else, but its a good thing. My adoptive Mom was in the hospital and she is out of ICU which is awesome. Though the year that I'm having I want to be there for her and see her. I know it seems weird but she is like a mom to me even though I have my can't have enough people in your life that you care about and they care about you.

MG has been there for me when my dad died and she has been an amazing friend before that happened. I love the fact that she was there for me and I want to be there for her. J has been an amazing adoptive Dad to me. He has been updating me on MG's status on what's going on. I love them both dearly and I can't help...but worry about them.

So I'm always sending out a prayer for them no matter what. I better go and try to get rid of this cough its been kicking my butt all weekend.

Monday, March 14, 2011


How does this happen?
Things happen for a reason
And truthfully
Somethings shouldn't happen
For the lessons
We have to learn
I know I have a
Lesson that I need to learn
But at the moment
This lesson that I need to learn
Is to trust God
And His plan
And I do...
I trust Him
But my trust
Is stating to fade
I think He knows that
Which is probably
Not a good thing
That my trust is fading
My life has been about
Learning to trust
Because my trust has been
Compromised so many times
I wish that my trust was bigger
Trust has to do with faith
My faith is strong in the Lord
But my faith in myself
Is a completely different story
I try to be a good Christain
But sometimes these earthly things
Take over...
So what I need to do
Is try to keep my faith up
And work on my trust.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Yep soap box real quick...

So when I'm writing...I'm writing from the heart. You may not think so, but that's where its coming from. Sometimes its from this dunce head of mine but these are just words on a blog. This is just something for me to do...I know that it seems a little odd for me to write this again, but sometimes when people come and read this they miss this part. They miss the part where its just a blog and something for me to do...until my head is on straight. I'm just a girl who likes to write, travel, and work with the theatre. Its who I am...and granted I'm still learning who I really am.

At the moment my life is going in a circle...hopefully it will end as soon as I get my head and heart are in the right place. So let's see what else I can write today...

I have this dream
That I would become
Someone in this world
Where I can help people
I really don't know
How to do it...
But I hope to do it soon
I would like to help
Like one perticular person
In this crazy world
Who is helping people
Just by being on a show
But how can I help
Like her...
I'm not sure how
But somehow
There will be a way
For me to help
Like the amazing
Mariska Hargitay
I really don't know how
But this dream
Will come true
Even if I can't fullfil it

Saturday, March 12, 2011

20 minutes or less...hopefully...

Its almost time that I'm going to miss...probably...

So I have 20 minutes to write something...
So let's see how fast I can write/create this.

Too much pain
Too much suffering
When will it stop
It will stop
When we finally confuss
That God is our Lord and Savior
And then we will be free
Granted I know myself enough
That I do believe
And will Shout to the world
That I love my GOD
Who created me in His perfect image!
Though I don't feel like I am
And I know that
I am not His perfect daughter
I wish I was a better
But He knows
Where my heart is
And where my soul is
Though sometimes I know
I fail at giving Him my heart
Though He is taking care of me and you
And will never stop loving me and you
Though we as humans are never perfect
We can look to Him
And He will take care of us
He will bring us JOY
and most of all....
That's what He will bring us
Once we call His name
And claim Him as our Loving God

I guess that's what's going on in my head right now...I guess its because of everything that's going on in life right now...
We will never know when God will come and take His children home...I hope that I'll be one of His many grateful and loving servant, but I know my sins...and I know how I am...and He knows how I am...No matter how much I know His love saved me...I still go my own way...I'm a horrible daughter but He loves me just the same...and loves you just as much...

So I give you my love and I just ask to give a smile and send love to everyone you know...and what do you know...5 minutes to spare.. =)

Friday, March 11, 2011



Please be the ones who are hurting.
Please be with the ones who are suffering.
I know you hear the prayers
I know you see your children in pain
And I know that we hurt you...
By going our own way
I shouldn't even be asking for anything
Because I know my actions have disappointed you...
But I have to ask...
To be with the ones who are away from their families
The ones who are in trouble
The ones who are in the hospitals
The ones who don't know you...
Or don't even care...
I know that you are greater than anything
I know that you love me...
So I'm going to ask
To please keep your children safe from harm
Keep them in your hands for safe keeping...
Though in this prayer...
I know that you know that I'm not a fan of you...
But I still love you
And you know that
You know my thoughts and my actions before I do...
So please...
Keep your children save from harm...
And know that I still love you
Though I don't like you right now...

Love your daughter.

Thursday, March 10, 2011


Another day...
Another hour...
Another minute...
Another second...
How long is it going to take
To get you out of my head
Nothing seems to work anymore
I can't seem to get a hold of my thoughts
You just stay in my head
That's not fair for me
You don't want me
And I'm ok about that...
I think...
But still its not fair
If you can move on
I should be able to move on as well
But no matter how many
Seconds to a minute
Minutes to and hour
Hours to a day
I will always be a friend
And that's when I win
Because friendship
Is better than
Having nothing at all
So time will hopefully be on my side.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011


I've been looking back
Seeing the things
That I should have done
Realizing that I would
Have loved to be apart of something
Something amazing
But my fear kept me back
My lack of trust
Kept my heart hidden
From being broken
Into pieces
Then my fear
Of being alone
Really keeps me still
Not moving a muscle
And looking back now
I'm still scared
I let my fear
Take over me...
And I shouldn't
So I need to change
And that means
Getting rid of my fear
That I have in my life
All together

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

What's going on...

Not much is going on...but at least I'm writing again right?

Ok maybe not so much...

Here's the thing...I got to see one of my friends today and it was great seeing her. She is going to have surgery on Friday. She has breast cancer and they found it in time...and they are getting it out. I'm just scared for her. I really don't want to get a phone call from her husband again like I did when she had a stroke. So I'm kind of down...and scared out of my freaking mind! If anything happens...I know myself well enough that I'll probably break down even worse than what I did with my dad. I mean to tell you...I completely broke down and died inside when my dad passed away.

I'm not going to lie... I love God, but right now I'm not a fan of Him right now. I know He is watching over me and my family and friends...I've just been so lost that I don't really want to be found and the worse part is that no matter how hard I try to become the person that God wants...He seems to lose me. Granted He hasn't but that's what I feel. People around me don't really know me anymore...and truthfully...I kind of lost myself in a bad way.

So as God and I are on a love/dislike relationship right now...I'll always be HIS daughter even though I feel like sometimes like I'm losing Him. I'm just sayin...and now you know what's going on in the life of a sad 25 year old who is still learning to live in a house without her dad there and thinking about her (mostlikely) best friend as she goes through this crazy phase in life.

I just have to remember love is the most important thing in life. So remember Faith, Hope, LOVE. 1st Corinthians 13:13

Monday, March 7, 2011

Problem...maybe for the week...

Creative mind doesn't want to come out today. I was painting the woodwork in my that means my mind is done for today...execpt for the fact I have rehearsal today. I'm really hoping for something good to come out of this head of mine and into the world...ok on this blog.

Granted there is not a lot of stuff that's going on to hit the creative juices....soon hopefully tomorrow!

There is a lot of hope in this post.

Sunday, March 6, 2011

Just something for the moment...

Its nothing big or anything like that today, last night's post was supposed to be for yesterday but that didn't happen cause I was out to a movie.

Anyway, so I realized that there is this "stats" on here. Who knew you were actually reading this craziness that I'm writing. I guess I can say Thank you for reading my randomness and craziness that I come up with in my head or the random problems that I have in life.

Well, other than that...I don't have anything creative to write today...wish I did just for you, but I don't. =(

Tomorrow, I'm hoping to have something for you.
Have a great night or day.....
That's what comes to mind
How it lingers longer than it should
Where people freak out about the little things
Where I lose trust in you
Of losing you right before my eyes
To late....
I pushed you away because of my

Friday, March 4, 2011

What time

It's almost time
Time to go to bed
Time to let slumber
Take over
Along with the dreams
That needed to break free
It's almost time
To release stress
Of the day go
And rest to over take
My body
Now as time comes
I can still dream
During the day
But it's better
To be able to sleep
And dream
It's almost time

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Random Dream!

Ok no poem today, just gotta get this dream out of my head. So last night I was playing with a couple of pictures and figured that I would play with some Mariska Hargitay pictures like this...

And this...

And I love these...

SO anyway, when I went to bed and finally fell asleep, I had a dream where I was working with Mariska Hargitay, Chris Meloni, and Peter Hermann and a couple of other people and they were talking about going out to a party or something and MH said that she had to call a babysitter and I spoke up saying that I'll do it...She waited a minute and said that it would be ok and we got back to work...
It was really weird...

Anyway, weird dream wish it could have been real...but if it was...I wouldn't have been writing it on here.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Wanting to Change

Wanting to run
But can't find my way out
Nothing I do will
Get me out
No matter how
Hard I try
I can't get away
I want to run
I want to do something
I want to change
But I can't
Do anything about it
It's hard
To live in a world
That I'm scared to change
And how bad I want to
But fear of something
Always blocks my dream
No matter how hard
I try to concor my fear
It hovers over my head
Making me more scared
Than before
I shouldn't be scared
But I am
I need to change
But I'm too... scared...

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

As the clouds clear the sky
I stand there looking up
At the dark sky
As the stars begin to sparkle
Then more stars
Begin to shine brighter
To make different shapes
I raise my hand
While my pointer finger
Connects the dots
Different lines
Then easily earased
To make something different
When finally done
Creating something
That no one will see
My hand drops to my side
And I go inside
To dream

Monday, February 28, 2011


Who knows in what's going to happen next... I've been standing out in the rain for so long that I know I'll catch a cold, but feeling the water hit my head softly and seep into my clothes causeing me to shiver. Standing in the middle of the yard, hands in my pockets, and my eyes closed seeing darkness. Its the one time I can feel something as the rain falls...Nothing seems to matter when it rains like this. A steady beat hitting the house making music that I love hearing. Tick tick tick tick tick tick...It makes a difference hearing the clears your mind and makes you it makes you think that nothing matters at all.

Sunday, February 27, 2011


Give thanks
To those who
You're grateful for
To those who inspire you
To those who will
Stand by your side
To those who
Give you stregth
Through the hard times
That's what people
Don't need to hear
But it's nice to hear
Every once in awhile
That you are
Thankful for them
And how much
That they change you

Saturday, February 26, 2011

Find something

As the days go by
There is nothing
At this time
For me to do
I'm at a loss of words
And nothing is coming to mind
My heart aches
For something more
But my eyes
Can't see what's
In front of me
So as the days go by
My sight is blinded
By the need of
Something worth getting
The problem is
I need that something
To see again
So te days go by...
With me struggling
To find it

Friday, February 25, 2011

Looking forward

I wonder back
On the days where
I could have changed something
But there is no way
That I can do that
So I must look forward
I think of the ways
That I could have made
Someone happy
But I can't
I must look forward
There is no way in changing
The past
But there is a way
To change the future
So I look forward
For the opertunity
For me to change something
That's why I must keep
Looking forward

Tired of skipping days...

Ok so I missed another day...and you're thinking, "Your point?"
My point is that I need to do this for me. I have to write something because its apart of me...when really...I need to get out of my own drama for a little bit. I have too many things going on in my life and writing helps me get through also gets something out there, in the world that not many people would read...but its something.
I have to do this...this is until I find my way back to where I need to be.

When fighting isn't enough
I finally have to give up
When smiling can't seem to
Light up the world
My frown apears
When I'm giving it all
For something I believe in
But it falls through the cracks
And I loose every piece of it
I don't like this
I hate feeling like this
When it all comes down to it
I'm nothing
Invisable to the world
But only words
On paper that you see
But you don't see me

Wednesday, February 23, 2011


My tears fall
As I think of you
Knowing that you'll
Never be there for me
Because I messed it up
I pushed too hard
And didn't wnat to feel
The way you make me feel
I push because I wasn't ready
Or at least
I thought I wasn't
You were right there
Waiting for me
And I screwed it all up
I don't know
How I do it
But I'm good at pushing
Pushing people away who matter
Who really care about me
The one person
I really cared about
I pushed away too fast
And I won't get you back
Maybe as a friend
But nothing more than that
I've lost you
So I sit outside
Letting the rain fall
Seeping in my clothes
Hiding the tears that
Stream down my face
As I see the word
Through my blurry vision
Onto the ground
Because I lost you
And I will never have you back

Tuesday, February 22, 2011


Craziness has found me
I'm in a whirl wind
Of a mess
And can't get out
Too many things are going on
I wish I could do something
But I can't
Nothing I can do
Will change the craziness
Around me
I'll never stop having this
Feeling of nothing
Of Craziness...
I need something more...
I wish I had it
But I know I don't
I wish I had something
To look forward too
And not live in this
Craziness that I live in
Nothing will change
How I feel
And nothing will be the same again
I've been lost in this crazy world
And haven't been able to move
I wish I could stop...
But I keep coming back for more...

Ok just so you know, anyone can comment...I probably should have posted that tidbit before hand but haven't...ok have a good day!

Monday, February 21, 2011

No title... =/

The cold wind is blowing
Through my hair
As I stand outside
To do make a move
But I don't
I don't even know why
I haven't moved yet
I really don't know
How I lasted so long
Not doing anything
In my life
I've been stuck
And I haven't been
Able to get out
I wish I could
Break free
From it all...
But in reality...
I can't
I live a life in the shadows
So that's why
I stand outside
For once
To feel the cold wind
Blow through my hair

Sunday, February 20, 2011


I'm falling apart
I can't live my dream
Cause everyone has
A "better one" for me
Why can't I just live my life?
Why can't I be me?!
I'm falling apart
And I'm nothing
I became nothing
When someone said
That I'm not allowed to leave
I've been falling apart
Since my dad died
I've been lost
And haven't been found yet
I'm in a deep dark hole
I don't know who I am anymore!!!
Do I...
Have to be the one to stay behind....

Missed a day!!!


I didn't mean to, I was working...this is not good...I have a feeling that I'm going to miss my creative posts for Sunday too...
My theatre world has been kicking my butt. Along with drama in my I really have nothing for now...I'll have something soon... =( sorry...

Friday, February 18, 2011

well...its something today

I have a strange feeling that I won't be able to write later I'm going to think of something to write quickly before I leave my computer....

The question is.... what am I going to write?!

(10 minutes later...)
Oooo...I might have something....

You give me strength
And you don't even know it
You give me something
That I never knew I had
I never knew I had that
Seeing myself
Through your eyes
Is a whole new world
Because you don't
Judge me
Like I do to myself
I just gotta tell you
I look up to you
And you don't even know me
You do all these things
And you have no idea
What my name is...
Crazy how big of an impact
You have on me...
I just wish
I could be more like you
But that's not what you would want
You would want me to be me
Even when I don't want to be
So...I thank you
For everything that you've done

Yeah, that's what I got today...sidenote, yes I am a Mariska Hargitay fan. She knows it even though she doesn't know me. Which is fine...I'm a techie, I don't need to be noticed, unless someone needs something and I can help with.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Random Story

I sat there listening to you speak to me. I have tight silver bracelets on my wrists. I haven’t said a word since you brought me in. The room we’re in is cold and dark, a little bit of light beaming through the bar window and the florescent light above my head flickering. I didn’t do anything wrong though you think I did. I see your lips moving, but I hear nothing. Your fingers tuck your hair back and then I finally hear you ask as you sit down, “Do you know why I brought you in?” your voice turned soft and I stared at you.

I shook my head, “No, I have no clue.”

You sighed, “I need to know what you did.”

I calmly quietly said, “I don’t know what you’re talking about, detective.”

We have staring contest, your brown eyes against my blue ones. You are quiet and I don’t move a muscle. “Come on, give me something?”

“What is there to give? You put me in these,” my wrist rise from the table, “and you want me to tell you something that I didn’t do?” I rest my wrist back down, “There is nothing to say…other than I know that your M.E. has my DNA so answers that you’re looking for should be found somewhere.”

Your eyes change from wanting answers to questioning, “What are you talking about?”

I shrug my shoulders, “I wish I could tell you…but I can’t, it’s part of my job to keep things hidden and I’m not allowed to say what I want.”

“What could you possible not tell me?” you look so confused.

So I thought of something, “Can I tell you a story?”

“Sure, why not,” you lean back in the chair in front of me.

I lean forward, “It’s about a little girl, who was adopted… she didn’t find out until she was old enough to understand why her mother gave her away.” I sighed, “Her mom was raped and she couldn’t abort the baby…so she gave her up for adoption. The little girl’s name is Keira…” I paused to see if there was any reaction in your eyes, your eyes became soft as I gotten into the story, “Anyway, Keira has a big brother…Parker, and he is a bit older than Keira…but he protected her as much as he could.” I took a deep breath, “Parker is a lawyer…defending the people as Keira put them in jail…” I look at my wrist, “One night while Keira was working…someone attacked her. She froze…she knew who it was…and somehow…felt like she knew better than to freeze like she did…after the attack…she didn’t report it because she was on the job and she pushed it out of her mind…until weeks later, when she was getting sick. Same time everyday…” I looked up at you, “She was pregnant… she had to tell her brother…and of course her boss…” I sighed and felt tears burning in my eyes. “They wanted her off the case, but she was so close and the people trusted her that they couldn’t take her off the case.” I gave a sad smile, “Keira got them all…and was able to have her baby…even though she was raped…she wanted to keep him…a beautiful baby boy.” A tear escaped my right eye and I wiped it away before it became a stream of tears coming down her face.

You stared at me, “What’s his name?”

“She named him, Michael…after her dad…” my eyes focused on my hands. “Keira had to get Parker to watch him…because she was assigned to another team what seems like right after she had him, but she would break prodigal just to see him...she didn’t care that he was made from a rape, she wanted to be a good mom…and she did as best as she could. Apparently, this one case she couldn’t go see him at all…and got in trouble…”

“What kind of trouble?” you ask eagerly for me to give you an answer.
I looked at her, “So much trouble that I can’t tell you the rest of the story.”

You hit the table with your fist, “I can help you if you tell me.”
The door opened, “Detective,” I looked at the door to see a muscular man buzzed cut hair in a blue dress shirt with his sleeves rolled up exposing his military tattoo, tie, and black slacks. You walked over to him and took the folder to open it. He whispered something in her ear and your face looked shocked as he spoke and your eyes became wide. You walked over and sat down and he left.

“What’s wrong detective?” I asked quietly.

“Olivia…call me Olivia.”

I nodded, “Ok, Olivia, what’s wrong?”

Your eyes became a slow sea of tears, “You’re Keira Langon…Trevor’s sister…Michael’s mom…”

I gave her a sad smile, “Maybe?”

“You’re DNA found a match…”

I nodded again, “To who?”

“You have a sibling…” you put the closed folder down on the table.

“Who is it?” I felt my eyes widen even though I had a feeling that my sibling is and you were sitting right in front of me.

As a tear slipped down your cheek, you get the keys to unlock the silver bracelets, “I’m your sister…”

The cuffs made a clanging sound as they hit the table; I nodded, “Ok…” I gave a sly smile and held out my right hand, “Nice to meet you, Olivia.”

You took it, “I’ve been looking…”

“Well, you found me…I’m sorry that you had to search for the answers…and that I couldn’t give them to you…I’ve broken the rules enough…this was my last job.” I held your hand, “Do you want to meet your nephew?”

You smiled, “Please.”

I nodded and smiled, “I can make that happen.”

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Going to try something new...

Ok, until I can get a day job...I'm going to try and write something everyday on here. Granted it might be strange. It might make no sense what-so-ever, but its something. It could be a poem, it could be a short story, or it could be a song...who knows. but i'm going to try hopefully, something will come up...if not...I'm going back to Fla to work...well, at least I'm going to hope to go back.

So what am I going to write today? Let's find out together...

How long will it take
For me to get you
Out of my head
Don't get me wrong
I love having you there
But being able to work
Is a bit difficult
With you hanging around in there
You just pop up
Whenever you want
And not when I want...
That's not good
I can't work with you in my head
So if you don't mind
And do me a favor
Come back when I'm done working
And then I'll be yours.
I promise you
You'll have my attention
The whole time you're there
So please
Meet me after work
And you won't be sorry

Ok--so that's what happens when you're trying something new...I must go and get ready for my show tonight...Yay! Godspell!

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Wow, I'm horrible

I didn't realize how long its been since I've written on here...

Well, let's see why...because DRAMA is in my life and its too depressing to even write about. The problem I have is the fact that Facebook has my interest and I tend to check up on my friends...forgetting that I can write a BLOG on here and not many people will read it. Which is fine with me...because who wants to read my drama? Not many people again which is fine with me.

I've just been lost and broken lately so its been hard to get myself back together...anyway, I should go and figure out how to sleep again so when the morning comes...I can get UP!