Disney

So here I am in Epcot with a friend of mine and I'm still debating on staying here or not. It kills me inside cause I can't decide. I love my mom and I don't want to leave her in Va because of the craziness that's going on. I keep her sanity at least that's what I think I do. I also think that I'm a bourdon on her.

Don't get me wrong I know she loves me and everything but I never know if I'm doing the right thing...it's hard and I'm not the brightest crayon in the box... I don't know. I have my own demons to take care of...and it's dangerous.

Rocky Horror Picture Show at the Firehouse Theatre Project

I usually don't do reviews or anything like that because I am very biased, but....This show is amazing!!! The cast is amazing and meshed with the band it completly blows you away. If you don't go see the show then its you're loss, because when you see a 6'3" man in heels to make him 6'6"...that takes skills!! I have a lot of friends in this show and I am a friend of the director's and the music director's so this tells you that I am biased on the show because of these brilant minds in it. This cast right here is worth every piece of your money that's in your pocket or wallet to see.

Nick Aliff (Riff Raff), Matt Beyer (Eddie/Dr. Scott), Michael Hawke (The Narrator), Chris Hester (Rocky Horror), Maggie Horan (Columbia), Joy Newsome (Magenta), Nick Shackleford (Brad), Terence Sullivan (Frank N. Furter), Aly Wepplo (Janet).Katie Ford, Alex Gerber, Mauricio Marcés, Sasha Wakefield, Joe Winters, Katherine Wright.

As Jase Smith's vision of this show has completely come to life with these actors...but it doesn't fullfil until Leilani Giles puts her magic touch to the music aspects of it all with her three main men on the scene really making her job seem so easy, Bentley Cobb on the drums, Dane Magoon on the bass, and Grant Oliver on the guitar. As the lyrics and music come along Maggie Marlin never disapoints with her choroagraphy. Once David A McLain come into the idea as the lights and set comepletely blows you away. Then you can't go wrong having Sharon Gregory as the Stage Manager who keeps everything in check.

Granted this might be the weirdest thing that you ever read but I will tell you this if you don't see this show you will regret it and I won't lie to you when it comes to this show. Jase Smith has created something that no one in Richmond would have ever imagined.

 Get your tickets now!! I promise you won't regret it--Just remember its for Mature Audiences don't I say I didn't worn you or say that I said its a kid show cause its not.

I hate myself

Reason why? Well I love too much and everybody knows this. So the ones I love know that I'll drop everything that I'm doing and go help or get something for them...the problem is I hate that I do this and then beat the crap out of myself because I get walked all over with it. I'm so...aggravated with myself because I'll do anything and they won't do shit! So I guess I'm the idiot and get walked over because that's who I am and it won't stop...it's sad...I'm sad...

Money

Ok I know when a family member is in trouble we step up to the plate and help them out with whatever it is. Well, this family, my family I too giving. I love my family don't get me wrong but I can't respect anyone who says that they are going to pay you back and then don't because they go on a camping trip.
I'm sorry but this needs to stop... Some people don't have enough money to give to the family to help them out-especially when they have enough money to go on family trips themselves. It pisses me off!! No one should be asking my mom my aunts or my grandma for money. If you're already working hard and spending your money correctly and then get stuck ask--but if I find out and say you're going to pay them back and don't. Don't you dare come crawling to them and ask cause I'll step in and say HELL NO!! Get your ass together and think about what you're doing with your money!

Sorry that's what needed to be said where my family won't actually read it. Thank you for either ignoring this or whatever you do when you read this random blog.

Hate this feeling

I hate not knowing what he's thinking. He hasn't talked to me or anything...he makes me nervous and I think I've pushed him too far. My emotions have been in roller coaster mode and I hate it. I want him and I told him....so I lost him. I hate this feeling of being scared of what he's thinking. I deserve his silence and I deserve this feeling, but I deserve to be able to move on...sadly I have a feeling I won't be able to. Again I hate this feeling.

Sigh...love...

So yes I was doing well until I get a phone call from the one I TRUELY love... My heart literally skips a beat and I have fallen hard all over again. I hate feeling like I'm trapped. But he is all I can think about and that's what makes it worse...wait, the book I'm reading reflexes a lot on me and I have realized that the book explains everything that I feel about this guy. What sucks...is that he won't talk to me!! Augh! I just wish I could move on. He doesn't want me....I see that, but my heart and mind won't stop! I know I will always love him, but I jut wish he would make a move or just let me know that everything is ok and that he is actually moving on...or that he's thinking of me... Sometimes, I wish I could be that girl that a guy would want. I am content on being single, but I want to have something more. I want to have a man who will actually want to be with me and isn't ashamed to show me off, who wants me with their family and them with mine. I don't want to be a secret love but apparently I am one and I have one because I can't tell a soul on who it is. His sisters are my friends and I just can't seem to tell them or ask them questions on how he's doing. I love his family just as much as I love him.
That is my weakness, this guy who won't say a word to me, unless it's something simple and sweet that I say to him first. Geez...wish I didn't love so hard. Damn you love for killing me and letting me know that I love way too hard for anyone.

Sad, but glad

As in my seventh point in my last post, my grandmother Wilma passed away early on Monday morning. Now I was good and went to the viewing and funeral...but I tell you one thing I sure can lie to keep some people out of my life. Its sad to be afraid to tell people what you're really doing and then them telling the one person in your life that you don't want anything to do with. So anyway, I loved my grandmother and she was an interesting, amazing woman. There are somethings that I don't want to remember and there are some things that I will remember. I'll remember my bear hugs that I gave her and also the ice cream sandwitches. I don't want to remember how she forgot who my sister and I were. Its hard, but I love that she is peaceful and feeling no more pain, and remembering things. We'll miss you Grandma.

Acting strangely

I may be acting weird or depressed, but it's because of many reasons that I don't know if I can explain... Ok that's a lie I know what to say its just hard for me to admit it... Bare with me as you read all 7 or however many you would like to read.

The first thing is yes I'm an idiot and fell in love with someone who didn't really love me back. I am not afraid to say I'm old fashion because I am. I would like the guy to make the first move. I won't make the first move because the one time I do, I lose, but then again I've been losing both ways... So yes I'm heart broken and trying to pick up the pieces. Even though you may see a beautiful smile on my face...it's just a mask to hide what's inside. When I love I love hard.

The second thing... I really miss my dad. It's been two years and I miss him. As my family is working on putting themselves together we've been having a lot of drama... And I mean A LOT of DRAMA that's going on and of course I'm in the middle of it! I'm tired of it! When someone says "no" DEAL WITH IT!! Its done. I you think objects will bring people back then you are mistaken! I objects are just things that people throw away or don't want, but apparently when one has something that's not even theirs to have then goodness it's the start of WW 4. Seriously people yes we lost a love one in our lives but that doesn't mean to take everything that they had and try to make a memory out of it when it means nothing to you.
If anyone has any respect at all it should be to the ones who lost the one man that TRUELY loved them and took care of them when he didn't HAVE TO! My dad didn't have to be a husband, a brother, a father, a grandfather, or an uncle but he did because he had such a big heart. He didn't care what people said because of the love that he had for us. My dad was an amazing man and I miss him so much.


Third, everyone is getting married. Now before I didn't care until everyone gets on my case about finding someone to marry. Does anyone know how hard it is to find someone who is NOT related to me?! Don't get me wrong I love my family, but not enough to marry them like WV people. That's just wrong! Sorry WV people but you know the stories and jokes and they are somewhat true. Anyway, when the right love comes around I pray that God will give me clear eyes to see him in my life ready to live this theatre geek, who loved to travel and wouldn't mind my crazy music.

Fourth, I love faster than I do trusting. I only trust very few people (and one of them is the guy I love). Only those few people know my deepest secret that no one else believed me about and no I'm not writing it on here... I'm planning on writing a book and hopefully publishing it and the money will go to the Joyful Heart Foundation.
Sugarland sang it best, "Slow to trust but I'm quick to love. I work too hard and I give too much. I'm not sayin I'm perfect, but I promise I'm worth it."
Trusting people is very difficult for me no matter what people see, I don't trust easily, but to love is very simple for me to do. I just won't tell you because I don't like to abuse the word "love", it's such a powerful word and it is a promise when I tell you that "I love you".


Fifth, I'm trying to be a better friend to my friends. I haven't been a great friend and it doesn't help that I live in the south side area when most of my friends are in the mechanicsville area. I can drive so I can easily come over and hang out its not a big deal. Been driving from Chester to mechanicsville all my life you really think it bothers me to drive to you? Nope.
I'm not the type of person to invite myself over and hang out with them. If I do it's only to drop off a gift and them letting them know that I did it and didn't want to bother them. I love my friends and I remember things like their birthdays or what they like. If I forget a birthday then I feel horrible and try to figure out a way to let them know I was thinking about them.
So as I act weird, I'm just trying to be a better friend especially to the ones that have either inspired me to be a better person or they are just an awesome friend and I miss having them in my life. Granted we might have grown apart, but I still want them in my life in some shape or form.

Sixth... I write A LOT!! And it is my outlet on life and my imagination. I love my theatre work and Disney. I love traveling and taking pictures...these things are who I am. I am quiet, but I have opened up a lot from where I have been before (thank you pen and paper). I am proud that I've been doing things that I would never do. I don't stand up for myself and when I do people are either shocked or proud. I tend to push people away and some know I'm good at it, but I have been doing better at keeping people close.


Seventh, my grandmother has the disease that I can't spell but can say, the one that forgets everything. Yep that one! Not my grandma Rose, but my grandma Wilma has it. I just need to say that I'm a horrible granddaughter because I don't go to see her. I love her but I can't see her the way she is. I don't have the strength to see her like that. The last time I did see her it was her birthday about four years ago with Amber and Pete. She was good and now things are worse...and I'm still scared to see her. She won't remember me...if I do go see her... the thing that you don't know is that I have to be on my guard to see people and now wherever I go in Chester. When people say forgive and forget...I can't forgive someone who taught me to be a heartbreaking person who breaks up family because one person wasn't good enough for them and to get people to trust them when they shouldn't be trusted... I shouldn't have to live in fear! But I do, I'm afraid to be alone and to end up like my grandma Wilma. I have faith that I will be a better person... But right now I'm still learning.

So if you think I'm acting strangely or anything like that I hope you understand by reading this.

Angry me

So what of I got fired because of a person who really can't do their job and always looks to me for their work?

Would I be happy or would I be pleased? Screw that I would be pleased! At least the truth is out there because I'm tired of holding every little thing in. It's not fair for me to not being able to vent and I'm not good with words as it is and I don't have someone in my life who would listen to me.

Don't get me wrong I'm grateful for the days off for the things I am ACTUALLy good and what I'm supposed to be doing. I know that leaving Fl was probably a mistake, but I did the right thing by helping mom. The problem is the fact that I stopped believing in myself once my dad died.

I stopped doing what I'm doing because I lost faith in more ways than one. It doesn't help working at a place where I feel like I'm lost all together
I'm sorry that I'm so bitter of the work place. I'm sorry for not wanting to do my job while I'm here. I'm sorry that I can't keep my head on straight since I've been there for a year. I... I'm sorry that I can't stand up for myself when it comes to people pushing me down. I'm sorry that I'm not who I wanted to be and I'm also sorry that I'm so bitter and so alone that I can't find anyone to actually vent to. I'm sorry for being so cold that no one could make me melt...

So I must be angry. I must be someone that can't keep calm or anything like that...I must be the person to fire. Since on paper I can write daggers but in person I turn into a small bug that can be stomped on. So yeah I need to write.

Chill

Every time I'm relaxed
And in my own world
I see a message from you
And a a chill
Comes over me
I shiver for hours
I can't control the cold
That comes over me
I just become freezing cold
I can't seem to get warm again
No blanket
No jacket can keep me warm
Nothing
I stay cold
I wish I could be ok
But every time
You send me a message
I become cold
And I shiver
Throughout the night and day

Stupid girl

Why do you let your heart
Give so much?
Why do you even try?
Once was enough
Now twice
Get over it, babe
If he's not willing to fight
Why should you?
Obviously you're too good for him
If you weren't then you'd be
Right by his side
You knew when he texted you again
You would let your heart
Take control
Why did you even try?
Hoping something will change?
Hoping he'll actually be a man
And step up to the plate?
He's not worth it
If he's not going to try
No girl should be kept a secret
I know you love him still
But this time...
You need to let him go
Don't be a stupid girl
And let him walk all over you
Be proud of the fact
That he missed his chance
And be patient for the one
That's willing to be by your side
Who will take you out
Who isn't afraid of your past
And the baggage that you put on the table
Please don't be that stupid girl
That I know you'll become again
As soon as he texts you
Or when you see him again

What to do?

Is it bad to love someone who doesn't really want to be loved by you? Stupid question or odd question I know. But somehow I have liked this guy for awhile now...and he keeps saying he's not ready to be in a relationship, now I can understand that but wouldn't it be better if we hung out with friends so we could become better friends and when he's ready he'll be ready? I don't know... I'm such a girl....
I just don't want to be thrown away like I have been before... Sometimes I wonder if it's even worth the hurt to let him in... Oh wait too late the idiot in myself already did.

Problems

Sometimes I wonder if things will go right. I mean I know that I'm a sinner and I have trust issues but... Is it bad to want someone who will take your issues and every problem you have from the past away?
I have a problem then... My problem is that I want a particular person and we're talking...but I don't think he wants me like I want him. I know I'm a hopeless romantic. I have that problem in wanting love and being able to love. I trust him and he shockingly knows that but I don't think he takes it seriously. Yep....PROBLEM!!
I'm at a lost...and I am a bit lost, but that's a lot to admit to people who really don't read this... Though who knows maybe I'm wrong today because of my venting to the whole world about this nothingness.
Anyway, I should go and look for my card...yep another problem that I usually don't have but this time I do.

REALIZATION!!!

Holy crap!! I just realized that I'm just second best...why did this realization just hit? Well, probably because I suggested something to a guy that I've been talking to as in hanging out...and he turned me down...but this happens a lot. Sometimes I would like to be the girl that a guy can go to and ask out and be able to go out and hang out with friends or family.
I'm just a bloody hopeless romantic I guess...

Sleep deprived

Ok so, who knew someone could wake up smiling and have a great day...until night falls and they couldn't sleep. Then the next day is an ok day not great but good enough....

Well, that was me waking up with a smile on my face and then today having an ok day. I couldn't sleep because I was thinking. About what? Well about a guy which is never a good thing but at the same time it is... Sometimes you just want to sleep and that's what I wanted to do, but I hacks him in my head. That never helps. Sooner or later I will be able to say that "I'm taken sorry boys- you had your chance." That's what I'm going to say one of these days...
Anyway, just needed to vent a bit... Have a good day.

Happy New Year!

Yes I'm 4 days late but I've been working a lot...yeah nothing new about that...but you also know that that means no creativity! NO!!!

I need to write something. I need to make something creative on here...or get some inspriation from someone or something...I don't know what to do anymore. Well, I must go and either figure out how much I need to change each story that I've written.

Have a good month...hopefully I'll be back before Feb.