Monday, February 28, 2011


Who knows in what's going to happen next... I've been standing out in the rain for so long that I know I'll catch a cold, but feeling the water hit my head softly and seep into my clothes causeing me to shiver. Standing in the middle of the yard, hands in my pockets, and my eyes closed seeing darkness. Its the one time I can feel something as the rain falls...Nothing seems to matter when it rains like this. A steady beat hitting the house making music that I love hearing. Tick tick tick tick tick tick...It makes a difference hearing the clears your mind and makes you it makes you think that nothing matters at all.

Sunday, February 27, 2011


Give thanks
To those who
You're grateful for
To those who inspire you
To those who will
Stand by your side
To those who
Give you stregth
Through the hard times
That's what people
Don't need to hear
But it's nice to hear
Every once in awhile
That you are
Thankful for them
And how much
That they change you

Saturday, February 26, 2011

Find something

As the days go by
There is nothing
At this time
For me to do
I'm at a loss of words
And nothing is coming to mind
My heart aches
For something more
But my eyes
Can't see what's
In front of me
So as the days go by
My sight is blinded
By the need of
Something worth getting
The problem is
I need that something
To see again
So te days go by...
With me struggling
To find it

Friday, February 25, 2011

Looking forward

I wonder back
On the days where
I could have changed something
But there is no way
That I can do that
So I must look forward
I think of the ways
That I could have made
Someone happy
But I can't
I must look forward
There is no way in changing
The past
But there is a way
To change the future
So I look forward
For the opertunity
For me to change something
That's why I must keep
Looking forward

Tired of skipping days...

Ok so I missed another day...and you're thinking, "Your point?"
My point is that I need to do this for me. I have to write something because its apart of me...when really...I need to get out of my own drama for a little bit. I have too many things going on in my life and writing helps me get through also gets something out there, in the world that not many people would read...but its something.
I have to do this...this is until I find my way back to where I need to be.

When fighting isn't enough
I finally have to give up
When smiling can't seem to
Light up the world
My frown apears
When I'm giving it all
For something I believe in
But it falls through the cracks
And I loose every piece of it
I don't like this
I hate feeling like this
When it all comes down to it
I'm nothing
Invisable to the world
But only words
On paper that you see
But you don't see me

Wednesday, February 23, 2011


My tears fall
As I think of you
Knowing that you'll
Never be there for me
Because I messed it up
I pushed too hard
And didn't wnat to feel
The way you make me feel
I push because I wasn't ready
Or at least
I thought I wasn't
You were right there
Waiting for me
And I screwed it all up
I don't know
How I do it
But I'm good at pushing
Pushing people away who matter
Who really care about me
The one person
I really cared about
I pushed away too fast
And I won't get you back
Maybe as a friend
But nothing more than that
I've lost you
So I sit outside
Letting the rain fall
Seeping in my clothes
Hiding the tears that
Stream down my face
As I see the word
Through my blurry vision
Onto the ground
Because I lost you
And I will never have you back

Tuesday, February 22, 2011


Craziness has found me
I'm in a whirl wind
Of a mess
And can't get out
Too many things are going on
I wish I could do something
But I can't
Nothing I can do
Will change the craziness
Around me
I'll never stop having this
Feeling of nothing
Of Craziness...
I need something more...
I wish I had it
But I know I don't
I wish I had something
To look forward too
And not live in this
Craziness that I live in
Nothing will change
How I feel
And nothing will be the same again
I've been lost in this crazy world
And haven't been able to move
I wish I could stop...
But I keep coming back for more...

Ok just so you know, anyone can comment...I probably should have posted that tidbit before hand but haven't...ok have a good day!

Monday, February 21, 2011

No title... =/

The cold wind is blowing
Through my hair
As I stand outside
To do make a move
But I don't
I don't even know why
I haven't moved yet
I really don't know
How I lasted so long
Not doing anything
In my life
I've been stuck
And I haven't been
Able to get out
I wish I could
Break free
From it all...
But in reality...
I can't
I live a life in the shadows
So that's why
I stand outside
For once
To feel the cold wind
Blow through my hair

Sunday, February 20, 2011


I'm falling apart
I can't live my dream
Cause everyone has
A "better one" for me
Why can't I just live my life?
Why can't I be me?!
I'm falling apart
And I'm nothing
I became nothing
When someone said
That I'm not allowed to leave
I've been falling apart
Since my dad died
I've been lost
And haven't been found yet
I'm in a deep dark hole
I don't know who I am anymore!!!
Do I...
Have to be the one to stay behind....

Missed a day!!!


I didn't mean to, I was working...this is not good...I have a feeling that I'm going to miss my creative posts for Sunday too...
My theatre world has been kicking my butt. Along with drama in my I really have nothing for now...I'll have something soon... =( sorry...

Friday, February 18, 2011

well...its something today

I have a strange feeling that I won't be able to write later I'm going to think of something to write quickly before I leave my computer....

The question is.... what am I going to write?!

(10 minutes later...)
Oooo...I might have something....

You give me strength
And you don't even know it
You give me something
That I never knew I had
I never knew I had that
Seeing myself
Through your eyes
Is a whole new world
Because you don't
Judge me
Like I do to myself
I just gotta tell you
I look up to you
And you don't even know me
You do all these things
And you have no idea
What my name is...
Crazy how big of an impact
You have on me...
I just wish
I could be more like you
But that's not what you would want
You would want me to be me
Even when I don't want to be
So...I thank you
For everything that you've done

Yeah, that's what I got today...sidenote, yes I am a Mariska Hargitay fan. She knows it even though she doesn't know me. Which is fine...I'm a techie, I don't need to be noticed, unless someone needs something and I can help with.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Random Story

I sat there listening to you speak to me. I have tight silver bracelets on my wrists. I haven’t said a word since you brought me in. The room we’re in is cold and dark, a little bit of light beaming through the bar window and the florescent light above my head flickering. I didn’t do anything wrong though you think I did. I see your lips moving, but I hear nothing. Your fingers tuck your hair back and then I finally hear you ask as you sit down, “Do you know why I brought you in?” your voice turned soft and I stared at you.

I shook my head, “No, I have no clue.”

You sighed, “I need to know what you did.”

I calmly quietly said, “I don’t know what you’re talking about, detective.”

We have staring contest, your brown eyes against my blue ones. You are quiet and I don’t move a muscle. “Come on, give me something?”

“What is there to give? You put me in these,” my wrist rise from the table, “and you want me to tell you something that I didn’t do?” I rest my wrist back down, “There is nothing to say…other than I know that your M.E. has my DNA so answers that you’re looking for should be found somewhere.”

Your eyes change from wanting answers to questioning, “What are you talking about?”

I shrug my shoulders, “I wish I could tell you…but I can’t, it’s part of my job to keep things hidden and I’m not allowed to say what I want.”

“What could you possible not tell me?” you look so confused.

So I thought of something, “Can I tell you a story?”

“Sure, why not,” you lean back in the chair in front of me.

I lean forward, “It’s about a little girl, who was adopted… she didn’t find out until she was old enough to understand why her mother gave her away.” I sighed, “Her mom was raped and she couldn’t abort the baby…so she gave her up for adoption. The little girl’s name is Keira…” I paused to see if there was any reaction in your eyes, your eyes became soft as I gotten into the story, “Anyway, Keira has a big brother…Parker, and he is a bit older than Keira…but he protected her as much as he could.” I took a deep breath, “Parker is a lawyer…defending the people as Keira put them in jail…” I look at my wrist, “One night while Keira was working…someone attacked her. She froze…she knew who it was…and somehow…felt like she knew better than to freeze like she did…after the attack…she didn’t report it because she was on the job and she pushed it out of her mind…until weeks later, when she was getting sick. Same time everyday…” I looked up at you, “She was pregnant… she had to tell her brother…and of course her boss…” I sighed and felt tears burning in my eyes. “They wanted her off the case, but she was so close and the people trusted her that they couldn’t take her off the case.” I gave a sad smile, “Keira got them all…and was able to have her baby…even though she was raped…she wanted to keep him…a beautiful baby boy.” A tear escaped my right eye and I wiped it away before it became a stream of tears coming down her face.

You stared at me, “What’s his name?”

“She named him, Michael…after her dad…” my eyes focused on my hands. “Keira had to get Parker to watch him…because she was assigned to another team what seems like right after she had him, but she would break prodigal just to see him...she didn’t care that he was made from a rape, she wanted to be a good mom…and she did as best as she could. Apparently, this one case she couldn’t go see him at all…and got in trouble…”

“What kind of trouble?” you ask eagerly for me to give you an answer.
I looked at her, “So much trouble that I can’t tell you the rest of the story.”

You hit the table with your fist, “I can help you if you tell me.”
The door opened, “Detective,” I looked at the door to see a muscular man buzzed cut hair in a blue dress shirt with his sleeves rolled up exposing his military tattoo, tie, and black slacks. You walked over to him and took the folder to open it. He whispered something in her ear and your face looked shocked as he spoke and your eyes became wide. You walked over and sat down and he left.

“What’s wrong detective?” I asked quietly.

“Olivia…call me Olivia.”

I nodded, “Ok, Olivia, what’s wrong?”

Your eyes became a slow sea of tears, “You’re Keira Langon…Trevor’s sister…Michael’s mom…”

I gave her a sad smile, “Maybe?”

“You’re DNA found a match…”

I nodded again, “To who?”

“You have a sibling…” you put the closed folder down on the table.

“Who is it?” I felt my eyes widen even though I had a feeling that my sibling is and you were sitting right in front of me.

As a tear slipped down your cheek, you get the keys to unlock the silver bracelets, “I’m your sister…”

The cuffs made a clanging sound as they hit the table; I nodded, “Ok…” I gave a sly smile and held out my right hand, “Nice to meet you, Olivia.”

You took it, “I’ve been looking…”

“Well, you found me…I’m sorry that you had to search for the answers…and that I couldn’t give them to you…I’ve broken the rules enough…this was my last job.” I held your hand, “Do you want to meet your nephew?”

You smiled, “Please.”

I nodded and smiled, “I can make that happen.”

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Going to try something new...

Ok, until I can get a day job...I'm going to try and write something everyday on here. Granted it might be strange. It might make no sense what-so-ever, but its something. It could be a poem, it could be a short story, or it could be a song...who knows. but i'm going to try hopefully, something will come up...if not...I'm going back to Fla to work...well, at least I'm going to hope to go back.

So what am I going to write today? Let's find out together...

How long will it take
For me to get you
Out of my head
Don't get me wrong
I love having you there
But being able to work
Is a bit difficult
With you hanging around in there
You just pop up
Whenever you want
And not when I want...
That's not good
I can't work with you in my head
So if you don't mind
And do me a favor
Come back when I'm done working
And then I'll be yours.
I promise you
You'll have my attention
The whole time you're there
So please
Meet me after work
And you won't be sorry

Ok--so that's what happens when you're trying something new...I must go and get ready for my show tonight...Yay! Godspell!

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Wow, I'm horrible

I didn't realize how long its been since I've written on here...

Well, let's see why...because DRAMA is in my life and its too depressing to even write about. The problem I have is the fact that Facebook has my interest and I tend to check up on my friends...forgetting that I can write a BLOG on here and not many people will read it. Which is fine with me...because who wants to read my drama? Not many people again which is fine with me.

I've just been lost and broken lately so its been hard to get myself back together...anyway, I should go and figure out how to sleep again so when the morning comes...I can get UP!