Saturday, January 12, 2013

Worried...

Apparently people are worried about me. I don't know why exactly...wait a second. I do. When a boy broke me into pieces and they don't think I can bring myself back up...or I'm too much into the "world" and following into others footsteps.

Here's the thing; the boy that broke me, is a great friend. We made not act like friends, but we are friends and he respects my opinion as much as I respect his. We are friends and he is happy that is all I wanted for him. That's important to me.

As people think I'm not following the right crowd, they need to get over it. Because maybe I'm an example for them. I may not be a the best Child of God but I'm sure as hell that I have people that respect me and don't care what I believe in.

Why worry about someone when you don't want to be one on one with someone to talk? Don't get me wrong, but I'll think its suspicious when people want to hang out with me one on one unless we've done it before. But if you're so worried please send me a note or something saying it and wanting to know what's up. Or just come out and ask the question that you're dying to know.

This is life, I'm not the prettiest girl in the world, but I'm worth the risk to take out or be a friend to. I don't want family members on their tiptoes around me. Granted I am tired of the bull that they give me, but this is LIFE!!! I'm trying to take my own advice and I myself need to GET OVER IT!!! Life is short and I may be wasting it just by writing this. So I'll end with this. Take the risk in asking the question that's on your bloody mind and take the risk of me giving you a straight answer or wait til I'm ready to tell you what's going on.

Monday, October 1, 2012

Disney

So here I am in Epcot with a friend of mine and I'm still debating on staying here or not. It kills me inside cause I can't decide. I love my mom and I don't want to leave her in Va because of the craziness that's going on. I keep her sanity at least that's what I think I do. I also think that I'm a bourdon on her.

Don't get me wrong I know she loves me and everything but I never know if I'm doing the right thing...it's hard and I'm not the brightest crayon in the box... I don't know. I have my own demons to take care of...and it's dangerous.

Monday, July 16, 2012

I hate myself

Reason why? Well I love too much and everybody knows this. So the ones I love know that I'll drop everything that I'm doing and go help or get something for them...the problem is I hate that I do this and then beat the crap out of myself because I get walked all over with it. I'm so...aggravated with myself because I'll do anything and they won't do shit! So I guess I'm the idiot and get walked over because that's who I am and it won't stop...it's sad...I'm sad...

Friday, July 13, 2012

Money

Ok I know when a family member is in trouble we step up to the plate and help them out with whatever it is. Well, this family, my family I too giving. I love my family don't get me wrong but I can't respect anyone who says that they are going to pay you back and then don't because they go on a camping trip.
I'm sorry but this needs to stop... Some people don't have enough money to give to the family to help them out-especially when they have enough money to go on family trips themselves. It pisses me off!! No one should be asking my mom my aunts or my grandma for money. If you're already working hard and spending your money correctly and then get stuck ask--but if I find out and say you're going to pay them back and don't. Don't you dare come crawling to them and ask cause I'll step in and say HELL NO!! Get your ass together and think about what you're doing with your money!

Sorry that's what needed to be said where my family won't actually read it. Thank you for either ignoring this or whatever you do when you read this random blog.

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Hate this feeling

I hate not knowing what he's thinking. He hasn't talked to me or anything...he makes me nervous and I think I've pushed him too far. My emotions have been in roller coaster mode and I hate it. I want him and I told him....so I lost him. I hate this feeling of being scared of what he's thinking. I deserve his silence and I deserve this feeling, but I deserve to be able to move on...sadly I have a feeling I won't be able to. Again I hate this feeling.

Thursday, July 5, 2012

Sigh...love...

So yes I was doing well until I get a phone call from the one I TRUELY love... My heart literally skips a beat and I have fallen hard all over again. I hate feeling like I'm trapped. But he is all I can think about and that's what makes it worse...wait, the book I'm reading reflexes a lot on me and I have realized that the book explains everything that I feel about this guy. What sucks...is that he won't talk to me!! Augh! I just wish I could move on. He doesn't want me....I see that, but my heart and mind won't stop! I know I will always love him, but I jut wish he would make a move or just let me know that everything is ok and that he is actually moving on...or that he's thinking of me... Sometimes, I wish I could be that girl that a guy would want. I am content on being single, but I want to have something more. I want to have a man who will actually want to be with me and isn't ashamed to show me off, who wants me with their family and them with mine. I don't want to be a secret love but apparently I am one and I have one because I can't tell a soul on who it is. His sisters are my friends and I just can't seem to tell them or ask them questions on how he's doing. I love his family just as much as I love him.
That is my weakness, this guy who won't say a word to me, unless it's something simple and sweet that I say to him first. Geez...wish I didn't love so hard. Damn you love for killing me and letting me know that I love way too hard for anyone.

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Sad, but glad

As in my seventh point in my last post, my grandmother Wilma passed away early on Monday morning. Now I was good and went to the viewing and funeral...but I tell you one thing I sure can lie to keep some people out of my life. Its sad to be afraid to tell people what you're really doing and then them telling the one person in your life that you don't want anything to do with. So anyway, I loved my grandmother and she was an interesting, amazing woman. There are somethings that I don't want to remember and there are some things that I will remember. I'll remember my bear hugs that I gave her and also the ice cream sandwitches. I don't want to remember how she forgot who my sister and I were. Its hard, but I love that she is peaceful and feeling no more pain, and remembering things. We'll miss you Grandma.