Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Sad, but glad

As in my seventh point in my last post, my grandmother Wilma passed away early on Monday morning. Now I was good and went to the viewing and funeral...but I tell you one thing I sure can lie to keep some people out of my life. Its sad to be afraid to tell people what you're really doing and then them telling the one person in your life that you don't want anything to do with. So anyway, I loved my grandmother and she was an interesting, amazing woman. There are somethings that I don't want to remember and there are some things that I will remember. I'll remember my bear hugs that I gave her and also the ice cream sandwitches. I don't want to remember how she forgot who my sister and I were. Its hard, but I love that she is peaceful and feeling no more pain, and remembering things. We'll miss you Grandma.

Friday, May 18, 2012

Acting strangely

I may be acting weird or depressed, but it's because of many reasons that I don't know if I can explain... Ok that's a lie I know what to say its just hard for me to admit it... Bare with me as you read all 7 or however many you would like to read.

The first thing is yes I'm an idiot and fell in love with someone who didn't really love me back. I am not afraid to say I'm old fashion because I am. I would like the guy to make the first move. I won't make the first move because the one time I do, I lose, but then again I've been losing both ways... So yes I'm heart broken and trying to pick up the pieces. Even though you may see a beautiful smile on my's just a mask to hide what's inside. When I love I love hard.

The second thing... I really miss my dad. It's been two years and I miss him. As my family is working on putting themselves together we've been having a lot of drama... And I mean A LOT of DRAMA that's going on and of course I'm in the middle of it! I'm tired of it! When someone says "no" DEAL WITH IT!! Its done. I you think objects will bring people back then you are mistaken! I objects are just things that people throw away or don't want, but apparently when one has something that's not even theirs to have then goodness it's the start of WW 4. Seriously people yes we lost a love one in our lives but that doesn't mean to take everything that they had and try to make a memory out of it when it means nothing to you.
If anyone has any respect at all it should be to the ones who lost the one man that TRUELY loved them and took care of them when he didn't HAVE TO! My dad didn't have to be a husband, a brother, a father, a grandfather, or an uncle but he did because he had such a big heart. He didn't care what people said because of the love that he had for us. My dad was an amazing man and I miss him so much.

Third, everyone is getting married. Now before I didn't care until everyone gets on my case about finding someone to marry. Does anyone know how hard it is to find someone who is NOT related to me?! Don't get me wrong I love my family, but not enough to marry them like WV people. That's just wrong! Sorry WV people but you know the stories and jokes and they are somewhat true. Anyway, when the right love comes around I pray that God will give me clear eyes to see him in my life ready to live this theatre geek, who loved to travel and wouldn't mind my crazy music.

Fourth, I love faster than I do trusting. I only trust very few people (and one of them is the guy I love). Only those few people know my deepest secret that no one else believed me about and no I'm not writing it on here... I'm planning on writing a book and hopefully publishing it and the money will go to the Joyful Heart Foundation.
Sugarland sang it best, "Slow to trust but I'm quick to love. I work too hard and I give too much. I'm not sayin I'm perfect, but I promise I'm worth it."
Trusting people is very difficult for me no matter what people see, I don't trust easily, but to love is very simple for me to do. I just won't tell you because I don't like to abuse the word "love", it's such a powerful word and it is a promise when I tell you that "I love you".

Fifth, I'm trying to be a better friend to my friends. I haven't been a great friend and it doesn't help that I live in the south side area when most of my friends are in the mechanicsville area. I can drive so I can easily come over and hang out its not a big deal. Been driving from Chester to mechanicsville all my life you really think it bothers me to drive to you? Nope.
I'm not the type of person to invite myself over and hang out with them. If I do it's only to drop off a gift and them letting them know that I did it and didn't want to bother them. I love my friends and I remember things like their birthdays or what they like. If I forget a birthday then I feel horrible and try to figure out a way to let them know I was thinking about them.
So as I act weird, I'm just trying to be a better friend especially to the ones that have either inspired me to be a better person or they are just an awesome friend and I miss having them in my life. Granted we might have grown apart, but I still want them in my life in some shape or form.

Sixth... I write A LOT!! And it is my outlet on life and my imagination. I love my theatre work and Disney. I love traveling and taking pictures...these things are who I am. I am quiet, but I have opened up a lot from where I have been before (thank you pen and paper). I am proud that I've been doing things that I would never do. I don't stand up for myself and when I do people are either shocked or proud. I tend to push people away and some know I'm good at it, but I have been doing better at keeping people close.

Seventh, my grandmother has the disease that I can't spell but can say, the one that forgets everything. Yep that one! Not my grandma Rose, but my grandma Wilma has it. I just need to say that I'm a horrible granddaughter because I don't go to see her. I love her but I can't see her the way she is. I don't have the strength to see her like that. The last time I did see her it was her birthday about four years ago with Amber and Pete. She was good and now things are worse...and I'm still scared to see her. She won't remember me...if I do go see her... the thing that you don't know is that I have to be on my guard to see people and now wherever I go in Chester. When people say forgive and forget...I can't forgive someone who taught me to be a heartbreaking person who breaks up family because one person wasn't good enough for them and to get people to trust them when they shouldn't be trusted... I shouldn't have to live in fear! But I do, I'm afraid to be alone and to end up like my grandma Wilma. I have faith that I will be a better person... But right now I'm still learning.

So if you think I'm acting strangely or anything like that I hope you understand by reading this.